Existentialism Confuses Me

The readings on Existentialism didn't really aide me in reading Kafka's "Before the Law" or the game of the same name by Brandon Brizzi mostly because I read them from a more Marxist point of view. I chose to see a focus more on class then on anything related to Existentialism which might be due to my previous close studies of the different school of literary theory. Once I read Sarte's works and reflected back on Kafka's story and Brizzi's game I can see how Existentialism aides in providing an answer to why the"country man" never gains the knowledge of the law. The "country man" does not think for himself and in the story he wastes away waiting for permission to gain access to the knowledge he seeks, he makes no active effort to go against what he is told by "the gatekeeper". In the game you are given an additional option the story does not afford - the ability to think for one's self and go against "the gatekeeper's" warning and proceed forward, however once the book of law is found the "country man" sees that there is nothing in it - it's blank. I also found this to be a part of the ideology of Existentialism as a person can't just find the answers but must work to find the answers themselves; there is no magic book, only the individual can find for themselves the knowledge they seek.

Existentialism is hard to define and is rather dense and complex. While reading Jean Paul Sartre's works on the subject the one take away I found was the idea that "existence precedes essence," which is also hard to define but what I gathered from it is best defined in the realm of the gaming world - as it is just too vast an idea for me to grasp in a real world capacity - a game is created (it exists) but the game is nothing until an a person (essence) plays it. This I found to be one of the issues I had with existentialism - it is just too confusing. According to this ideology I am a individual, with my own thoughts and sense of being, but how I define myself is still based on stereotypes, social and cultural influences, and many other external factors, so it begs the question - Am really an individual, defining myself by my own choices and decision, when I can only define myself within the limitations previously set? I really don't have an answer but I think existentialism is grander in thought then in practice.